TEN DAY YOU CHALLENGE. POST3: EIGHT FEARS

Fear is a term I do not relate to. At the first instant, it seemed that I may not have anything substantial to share but when I started jotting down, it did not seem that difficult. We all have fears and it is just about coming to terms with them and accepting them.

1. My biggest fear would be losing a near and dear one. Well, this is the most common fear most human beings possess. I have lost quite a few close ones in the cruel hands of the inevitable and hope against hope not to go through the same anytime soon. Also, I dislike saying goodbye to friends, family and loved ones. That denotes loss in some way as well. I cry as easily as I laugh. Most goodbyes are met with tears and I just dislike them.
2. Off late I have developed a very strange fear – the fear of losing my child like excitement or curiosity with time and age. It might sound weird to most but yes with ageing that is one of my greatest concern areas. My hyper active soul loves to question, explore, giggle and indulge in impromptu plans. I just hope I stay the same even with the passage of time, age and senility. Hope my love for travelling, talking, laughing, books, movies, music and the small joys of life only multiply and not diminish.
3. Failure – That is a fear of the typical middle class mind. Though I have never been even close to failure academically but the entire thought of failing in a project, work or any aspect of life scares me. This I feel is a potent cause of my inability to learn cycling. I always feared falling down and hurting myself. Recently, I have realised that great success is only accompanied by grand failures in life. This realization has me slightly sad. There goes my chance to be rich, famous and successful. Though I have been looking out for opportunities to fail but I know it is difficult for a safe player like me.
4. I fear boredom. Yes that can be a fear as well. Loneliness does not scare me much but the thought of not having anything to do or a blank mind scares me. I enjoy hyper activity and also inactivity at times but a blank mind or the nothing to do feeling I feel is the worst. Well, I hardly face such moments, hence the fear.
5. Crossing a busy road frightens me like no one’s business. I stand, I wait, I look right & then left, I ponder, I evaluate the speed and the vehicle size and then make my move. Phewww! The process gets easier if someone just pulls me along. This has to do with the fact that I grew up in a quaint little town where there were not much traffic issues. Also, I do not fear travelling alone in a public vehicle in a city like Delhi but what I fear is using an empty underground passage at night. The few times I have had to do this, the phone has been of great support.
6. Another important fear is the fear of not living up to the expectations of my family, friends and most importantly me. In school, college it used to be teachers. Now in work life it is my bosses and client. I shudder at the thought of my family or friends telling me that I failed them in any aspect. Also, the biggest fear is the day I fail my own expectations. Yes, I have high expectations from myself.
7. Ok this has been my most recurrent fear since childhood. I hate, loathe, despise lizards or for that matter most reptiles. I can’t describe in words how much those dirty little creatures skating across the walls freak me out. I have had nightmares of being surrounded by those ugly creatures. Till a few years back I wouldn't enter the bathroom without doing a Lizard proof check. I have become slightly tolerant to them but it is still difficult for me to concentrate if they are visible anywhere close to my vicinity. One of the grossest sights possible for me is watching a lizard attack and then devour a cockroach. Absolute horror scene material for my eyes.
8. My latest developed fear is the fear of losing wallets & ATM cards. With a great track record of losing four ATM cards and one wallet, this is my most materialistic fear. The whole process of ‘losing, tracking, slapping myself mentally, frantic calls, listening to the automated bank customer care messages, repeating the same message to multiple CC executives due to call drops and waiting patiently for the card to arrive in a week’s time’ is too much for me to handle now. Also, informing the rest about the development especially my mother is a herculean task. The fallout is that off late I have been double or triple checking my wallet & card. Can this be called an OCD? Sigh!